Faith An Ex-Mormon Journey

Survivors of high demand religions like Mormonism often find the concept of faith difficult to revisit. Cat and Jayenna explore how faith has been a key aspect of opening a business together this past year, as well as a foundational principle in taking the risks required to pursue their dreams. Faith can exist outside of the concept of a God or creator. Find out what Cat and Jayenna have been doing this past year and how faith has been a key element in their journey.

Transcript

This is Jayenna Wild and Cat Hawk,  and together we're, we're seeking the middle path. 

Welcome to the Middle Path.  Hi.  It's been a minute.  I'm Jayenna  and I'm Cat. And yeah, as you said, it's been a minute. So, um, if you forgot who we were, that's, that's Jana and that's Kat. Yeah,  I think it's been a full year since we've been recording. Maybe more than a year. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I think what our last one was July 2023.

Okay.  Well, I was gonna say, I don't even know what month we're in anyways. Yeah.  So it wasn't intentional to take a break. It just kind of happened because, uh, life took a sudden turn for the both of us. And, um, if you're watching on video, you can see the results of some of that.  Oh yeah, there's a harp behind me and a giant gong and this wall that looks like a bunch of eyeballs looking at you.

Golden eyes.  Um, yeah, we unexpectedly had the opportunity of opening a wellness space in the town of Rexburg, Idaho.  Uh, yeah, just what Jay and I said, we were not planning it or expecting it, but last July it just started to happen and we had, we needed to renovate the space ourselves. And we started, I think about September cause August, we had a few other things that we actually went to a podcast, podcast convention. 

We were planning on actually investing all that energy into making this podcast  into what we really envisioned. And instead we got back from the podcast convention and renovated a hundred year old building on Main Street in Rexburg. Yeah, that was, that, that was all of our time, our energy. It really felt like when You are  creating a child inside of you, and then you are going to birth this child.

Yeah, so in 2022, Jana was pregnant, and then 2023, Jana and Kat decided to have another kind of child together. Yeah, this like, this creation and it, we kept feeling that even as we were working on it and together we're like, man, this is like, this is like birthing a child, like the amount of work and time and creativity and also just how exhausted you are  and suffering.

I'm suffering.  Well, we, yeah, we did, we did the renovations. Yeah, we had one guy that helped us, a handyman.  An old man. Yeah, and he, um, I think had pity on us. Yeah, he was like, oh, girls. Yeah. Like when he saw the shape of the building, it was very neglected and just derelict. Is that how you say that? It was  rundown holes in the walls, stains, just really ugly paint.

Uh, yeah, bubblegum, not even as pretty as bubblegum, like ugly kind of pink. And just pink color. You could tell it had just been decades of people just like making do or, or sort of just like, just put a painting over that. It's fine.  Yeah, it was bizarro.  But the wood floors in the place are the original wood floors.

And I think that's More than anything, what captured  us and  was  kind of the beginning of our inspiration. See if we can show you really quick.  So there's the beautiful wood floors there from original to the building. 1929  is when they were put in. And so There's something about a space that has a lot of history, right?

Especially for the kind of work that we do, um, being in a building that has its own sort of soul and personality just felt so right. Yeah. And you know, the, the soul of the building felt quite neglected  and forgotten. So it was, it became almost a spiritual  endeavor as well. Renovating her because it felt like we were giving her the love and attention and noticing her in a way that she hadn't  been noticed in probably 50 years plus.

And I mean, it's kind of. Like our own journey of that inner work and of like noticing the details and giving ourselves that love and self care.  And so she kind of became this, um,  uh, like aspect of ourselves. Very much. And we, we are very proud of what we've created. Um,  I think what makes me feel the most joy.

So it is a wellness.  Center and a yoga studio. And so we're, we want to create this like space for people. And when people come in the door and they can sense what we've created just by walking in, they go, Whoa.  Or they're like, wow, I can just feel it. That is like the greatest reward knowing that all this work and energy we put into a space, a piece of us. 

And we're like, we're letting somebody into our temple, into our space, our way of wanting to heal and help community. And when they notice it, when they walk in, it just feels worth it. It's almost like we don't have to explain who we are to people because they can just know by being in our space.  And it's been really. 

I'm like, not just one word. It's been so many different things this past year. Fulfilling for sure, but. There's also been so many hard moments, so much overwhelm, so much sacrifice too, like personal sacrifice of our time, of our finances, even our families having to feel some of the burden too because it just takes so much out of us.

Yeah, we're not at home as much and, um, it really is like, I feel like when you do something um, Yeah. For the community, when you really do something of service, it is coming from the heart and  it's,  it is not a financial gain.  So we've also had to sacrifice a lot of that because for us, it's like about the bigger picture.

It's this, we're creating this place, we're creating the foundation. We want it to be right. But. In order to do it right. We've had to sacrifice a lot of like what Jane was just saying, like time with our family, the financial part, the, even the creativity, because we're so drained. And so we don't have time to put our creativity into other things that we, like the podcast. 

Well, and so. As we were trying to decide how to discuss the studio and the past year and what it's been like,  the word that kept coming up for me was faith.  And I thought that was interesting because, you know, growing up Christian, growing up Mormon, that word is thrown around a lot. But I feel like it's taken on a different meaning this past year for me. 

Yeah, I think the first time I actually really started to understand faith because, um, growing up in a religion,  I, when I left, I, I left  pretty young. I, words were really tainted for me and I was also really, uh, triggered by words, which now I understand what was going on with me.  Um, I think the first time I really felt faith and faith for me was actually finding this.

part within myself that knows I can do something and believe and trust in myself enough  that I will not let external things distract me and stop me on this, like, path that I'm on.  Like, I have faith. I just know it's going to work out because I can feel it so much inside me. Uh, it was when I was going through my divorce and it was so scary.

I was with someone for 17 years, two kids, and I stayed with my kids for like, I raised them for like seven years, I think eight years.  And I'm going to like step out of this codependent relationship that I've created because. That's how I learned to survive.  And I have these two kids and I have no career, no job.

And I'm like, how am I going to do this? But there was just something inside me that  I, this faith inside me, this, like  this fire, this strength. And so I trusted that and I followed that. And then again, with the studio, that's when I like felt again, even I would say this time it had been.  Many moments where I did not know if I could trust that or  sometimes I didn't know if if it felt like it was worth it  Yeah, there was a lot more up and down roller coaster emotions  With this  journey. 

Yeah, I guess for me Faith is a lot about, you know, when you're Christian or religious, faith is about trusting in a higher power where now faith is about trusting myself and trusting the journey, that it's not about like one particular destination, you know, it's not about one particular reward quote or heaven or.

The things will magically somehow be perfect. If you have enough faith, it's more like, like I have faith in myself that I can, um, trust my own discernment, that I can trust my own intuition, that I can trust my gut and that if I follow those things, even if it doesn't work out how I think it will, it's going to work out in a way that's for my best, like my highest good.

Yeah, I think for me, cause you know, when I left, uh, religion, I was, I was like 15. I was such a kid. So every time I was told to put faith in like a higher  being like God, well, which is what I was told,  I, I, it just never worked for me. I never really understood it. And I think when you prayed for a unicorn, yes,  I did do that.

And that's another story. We should, no matter how much faith you had, that unicorn didn't come.  I think for me, yes, it never happened. Still, still, still no unicorn. I'm still waiting.  I have realized as an adult, like. Going on this journey, my own spiritual journey, um,  There's just so much like being in a religion of like you were just saying like putting it on something else like a higher power and like having that faith and that something but a lot of times i'm like it really and then just expect it to happen well if you just have faith he's gonna he's gonna give it to you and i'm like what i've learned is actually no we're the ones responsible to make the things happen the faith is actually Everything that happens, it's us and it's what's within us.

So it's like you have to have that faith within you and make that creation happen. Am I making sense? Yeah. It's like Well, within Christianity, at least the way it was taught to me, is there's almost this idea that if you are righteous enough,  If you are good enough at following all the rules and all the things, then God will bless you and life will be abundant.

And, you know, you won't have abuse and you won't have like poverty and you won't have all these horrific things happen to you because you're, you've been so righteous and you've been so blessed. And I mean, that's in itself a whole topic because Obviously that doesn't work out. Yeah, that is. I was like, it's so, it's so rigid.

And like I said, it creates this like  perfectionism. And for me, what I think I've learned about coming into this like place of faith, um, from doing this is it's learning to flow and to not almost like create the expectation that I'm putting my faith into. It's more of like,  anything could happen, but let's just let this happen and see how it goes.

And each day we're going to come in and we're going to show up with whatever, however we're feeling too. Yeah. Well, like we said, this wasn't something we planned. It just from, I think from the moment we were like, that'd be crazy if we opened a space in Rexburg to it happening was like two weeks.  And the conversation I had with my husband when I said, Kat and I had this crazy idea.

What if we opened a space in Rexburg? And he was like, you know how much work that would be? And I was like, Oh, it's not going to actually happen.  Like we're just, we were just talking and joking around. I'm like, there are so many things that would have to fall in place for it to happen. I was like, we'd have to find the location.

We'd have to have the money come in. And like within two weeks, both of those things had happened. And it just felt like this.  Synchronistic flow. Flow. And so, like Kat said, it was more of a saying yes to the possibility of something than it was trying to like, go get it. Yeah, and force it. And then you get mad, because I put my faith in it, I asked for these things, I've been praying, and he still hasn't delivered.

And it's like, well, then it's not in flow, and that's not good.  That's faith. That's control. And as we've gone through different stages with opening an alternative wellness space in the heart of like conservative country,  um, we have had to have that conversation again and again, you know, like, why are we doing this and should we keep doing this?

Is it worth doing this? Because it, we, it is. We are pushing up against something that doesn't want us to be here.  There's a handful of us here.  People that would be fine if we just quietly disappeared.  But it's hard for us to walk away from something when it was so synchronistic, and we felt have felt so strong. 

That like when we meditate and we sit in it and the feeling that comes in for us is like we're doing everything right. It's okay. And trust. And um, trust the process. Trust the process. And And letting it unfold rather than anticipating exactly what direction it's going to go in. Like when we first got the space, we weren't even sure exactly how we wanted to create community.

We just knew that we wanted to create some kind of community for those that didn't fit in, in Rexburg, Idaho. And we were like, well, what does that look like? And we're like, well, maybe like a. Maybe like a tea shop or a little, little bookshop or plant store. And we were like trying to figure out different ways to create community.

And then it just came in yoga,  yoga. So we had the space before we even knew exactly what we were going to do with it. That's how fast things happened. And the irony of it all is that originally we were looking for a space so that we could do our podcast somewhere.  Have things set up and not have to like deal with like take down and set up and trying to find quiet space at home. 

And then this happened and we ended up not doing the podcast for like a year. Yeah, I just kept saying we really just need a place for us to like work and like. To maybe do group meditations and like,  you know, do some like, uh, energy work on people. And have places for like our crystal bowls and different things that are taking up room in our homes.

And so it's kind of funny, but that's what I mean by it's like faith in the journey, not the destination and like letting it unfold and trusting your own inner compass to keep you in alignment as you walk that path. Yeah. And you know, it's going to be ugly too. Like,  I think. A lot of times, too, when we are given something or we're putting that faith into something and it does all feel right, it sometimes does not feel like  it is right, and that's okay.

I've had a few tantrums, like, I don't want Yeah, whereas like in Mormonism, the idea is that you have faith that the church is true, that the Book of Mormon is true, regardless of anything that comes into your path, saying otherwise. So to me, that's being attached to the outcome, right? That's being attached to the one thing being what you want it to be.

Yeah, and I also, I think, realizing with this, that we've been doing this,  it always comes down to a choice. And, Which should always be with everything in life. It's always a choice. But, Jane and I sat down a few times, like, should we close? Should we close? And, you know Are we killing ourselves for something the community doesn't even want?

Yeah, and, yeah. And then, when we just sit into that stillness, and that place where, you know, it's really calm inside. And, yeah. And then you just allow  insight and intuition to come in or the messages. And every time we've just felt like, no.  this, we're doing the right thing. This is the right thing. And again, but, but we're also choosing, we're choosing to do this.

I am not like imprisoned by the fact that it felt right to open the studio. I am not now a slave to that. It's always a choice. It's always a choice. And, uh, and I think that helps us to, as we go and continue in doing this of like, we always check in with each other too. How are you doing? Are, is this something, are we, are we feeling happy?

Is our cup full? How is your mental wellness today? Yeah, I mean we've even compared like opening a business to like having toxic relationships. Like,  are we in an unhealthy relationship with our business?  Yeah. So it's been a journey, but I also have to just say I couldn't have done this without Janna. Oh no, we needed each other 100%.

We now know, we know we can travel together. We know we can hang out with our kids together. We can be sick together. And now we know we can open a business  together.  Like we can handle. togetherness all the time. But yeah, I mean our friendship has been a great example to me of the fact that relationships and like relationship patterns show up in more than just romantic relationships.

We can have really intimate close friendships and those can be toxic or really healing and healthy, which obviously is what I'm saying. Oh, it's happening here. Same, same, same with me. And I think that we, as humans, like long for that connection and closeness with other humans. Um, and that's why we keep seeking out, you know, romantic connections in different ways, but we can find them at that, that closeness, um, in a friendship as well.

Isn't it a friendship? But that's, again, why we wanted to have a space and a community, because we want to. Not,  not putting us up like on a pedestal, but be an example of like, no, this is what healthy relationship looks like. And it's not me  having expectations of her or trying to control her or,  um, also like whatever I'm feeling, putting it on her, you know, being responsible of my own stuff.

And we also want that in this like space, like for people to be able to come in here and start. Being able to tap into that part of themselves. And being able to control, like, who we have teaching classes here, and who we have, um, just  as a, as a teacher figure in the space, it means that we can really  make sure the space is safe  and representative of us and having to always keep that in mind as well.

That has been a journey in and of itself, kind of like navigating the different people and the different teachers. And  is this who we want representing us? Is it? Yeah. Yeah. The right vibe. Are they safe? Are they here to make themselves a guru?  I know. Well, then that was another part, like as we're getting ready to open a yoga studio, it's like, we need teachers.

Uh, cause I can't teach every class.  How do you feel about teaching three times a day, Kat?  I mean, I could do it if I had to,  but yeah, like just finding the right people that fit in too, or we fit them. And they fit us as well. And cause we want, we want people to come in here and  have an entire experience and, you know,  your passion for what you're teaching, what you're feeling, people notice that and feel that.

And sometimes they don't understand what, what's going on, but they'll remember that and then,  you know, they want to come back for more.  But yeah, the space, the space has been such a journey and navigating all of it. Especially because we both had a lot of personal stuff going on in our lives. Oh yeah.

Where it's like,  even without opening the studio right now, it would be a lot. And then to throw in opening a business on top of it, and that's another example of like, having faith that,  There's some kind of point in all of this.  Yeah, I mean, I mean, the one thing we did kind of laugh about as we're like, man, we really want to get the podcast going again.

I was like, we have a lot to talk about now. We even have more. I mean, Oh, guys, there's so much so much tea to spill. Yeah, so much to talk about. I mean, I feel like we've grown and I'm sure and we like, understand.  people even at another level now and we've done so much of our own healing as well through this really hard stuff we've been going through and um I mean, we're here and we're alive.

So we've made it.  When I'm still alive is the successful moment of the day.  You know, you're really going through stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So we, we are excited to be back here and to have. Conversations and we also have people that we are going to be bringing on have some guests We're excited to talk to and this um season, I believe it'll be season three for us  We really want to talk about uh spirituality outside of religion and what that path looks like for so many different people as they leave behind kind of dogmatic religious faiths and Decide that maybe they still want to have some kind of spirituality in their lives  Yeah, and then they they as they're doing this realize wow Everything's just right here inside me and that faith and all those things that i'm seeking  It's just right here. 

Yeah. And, um, a lot of the feeling, feeling called to talk about those things is because just like with abusive relationships, when you've been in an abusive religion, which any kind of high demand religion is, um, and you sort of deconstruct and unravel it, it can be hard to be open to letting spirituality into your life again.

Yeah, it took me, I mean, I, I would say I was always like, Slightly spiritual because I have just always been that way since I was little, but it took me years, years before I let any type of spirituality come in. And, um, and I would say it was timely the way it all like happened for me, I think is what helped me to dive into it more and actually find that faith within me, that trust, that deep intuition  because of what I was going through.

And it was like, Wow, this is real. It's very real for me.  Yeah. Yeah. And I'm, I'm similar where I didn't have any kind of spirituality in my life for probably 10 years after leaving Mormonism because I just was so burned and I just felt like such an idiot for trusting in something outside of myself and just being made a fool of.

I  mean,  In so many different ways. Yeah. I think I was just extremely triggered and didn't know I was. Yeah. I was like, don't say those words. I'm going to go over here. I'm running away. I know. Just like, yeah. Even hearing the word father in heaven,  right. Or just God, hearing the word God. Or the word faith.

Faith. Um, there's a lot. It's like, stay away.  Yeah.  Yeah. Yeah.  But I would say again, like, because I, um,  Went through I don't even like saying the word spiritual awakening, but that's what it was. It's like that word is another word That's overused and well straight even in the spiritual community. There's words that I'm really careful with using that too because I think they're used wrong or overused but  I'm so grateful that I  have what I have and went through what I went through because this last year and a half I would not have survived without it. 

And that's, I was just gonna say, that's an example of how  bringing spirituality back into our lives is the whole reason that this was able to happen because this was not a logical thing.  It's like,  probably on the level of logic, one of the worst choices ever. 

On a spiritual level. Don't you worry, there were lots of men that let us know. Oh, always. Luckily not our significant others.  Not yours. Yours has been wonderful. Yeah, well.  We won't go in that direction. Another podcast episode. We're all going to talk about the men that have been in my life. And it's just been, Oh, you cute little girl.

Look at you. Yeah. Little girls. Let's pat you on the head. Have you actually looked at the numbers? Do you know what you're doing? Do you know what your numbers are?  Yes, we have looked at the numbers. Thank you. Very well. But you know, every time we meditate, spirit tells us you'll be okay. Well, and we look young and there's about young  females.

Entering into a business that they immediately get patronized and talk down to, and people assume you're an idiot.  Like, oh yeah, what? Things cost money? Kat and I had no idea.  That's, we just slide the card and buy things. We have no idea that there was money involved.  Yeah, it's been, it's been interesting, um, just all the different type of, um, dynamics that have come in.

Yeah. Those that I've actually really, like, thought it's amazing what we're doing and have done and created. That's part of why. And we keep coming back to like, no, Rexburg needs this place. This is needed. It's because we hear so many stories in this space. And yeah.  People who are in tears because they finally feel like they're in a safe space where they can be authentic.

Yeah, they can breathe.  Because of what we've been through. And be told that abuse is not okay. Not okay! Or be like, did you know that's abuse?  Yeah, I think because, again, like, what we've been through individually and together, it has taught us a lot. Um, not that I've loved it. It's,  I have there's been moments I have not enjoyed  what I've gone through.

Um, and the loss and the pain and the sadness and the grief, but yeah.  You know, if I had not gone through this, and I'm sure Jane, it feels the same way. We would not be able to do what we're doing. We wouldn't be able to have this space. We wouldn't be able to hold space for people. And I just am so honored that people come in and they share their story with us.

And I can genuinely say, I understand.  what you're going through or have been going through or what you're about to going to have to go through because I just abuse really do understand more than you can imagine. I  literally been in your shoes. And I think as we continue our podcast, you can get to know us more and hear more of our stories because I think we're getting braver and feeling more comfortable. 

and confident in sharing our stories. Um, that's the thing with like, when you are healing from trauma or abuse or have been severely abused, it's really scary to share your stuff. Cause  for me, I feel like I'm going to get in trouble and get attacked again. Yeah. And especially being a mother, I'm afraid it's going to be used against me in that way.

And  we've just really learned that, um, no.  What are you going to do to us now? Yeah.  There's really nothing left. I mean, if they, if they burn us,  That would be something. Yeah, you know, you can't really burn women anymore, so. Knock on wood. Some things have been changing in our country, so we'll see. Oh, God. Oh,  yeah.

So. Well, we're here to stay is pretty much what we're, I'm stating. And, um, I'm excited to just talk and share more of the What's been going on in our lives and bringing people in and talking. And, um, we have this space now and I'm sure we'll be recording in here. And yeah, and we understand that not everyone's stories are exactly the same, but we hope that as we share our stories, that, and as we have other people on here, sharing their stories, that there is something in there that could, that is going to inspire you or help you, or just bring some kind of clarity into whatever it is in your life that you're navigating.

I mean, we're all human. We all feel we all have anxiety. We all have depression. We've all been betrayed and we've all had some type of trauma because growing up that's just what happens. You know, we're conditioned. That's the world we're into and it's just life. Yeah. And so I, I just hope from Like our stories will be different, but I hope us by us being vulnerable and as sharing a piece of us, it will maybe give you an aha moment or a realization that you are maybe in something you should not be.

Or also if you're not anymore. Just to acknowledge like how awesome you are and you got out of it and like be really proud of yourself because it is not easy to walk away. Yeah, just like how we were talking about faith with opening the studio, the podcast has also been an act of faith, faith that  this feels right, that it's helpful to us, that it's important for us to share stories and to provide a platform where other people can share stories.

And regardless of the outcome of that journey, that there's value in each step of that journey. Yeah, our goal, not even a goal, our intention from the very beginning, Even just with our friendship as we've talked is  We just we want to help people We've always wanted to and we want to share our experiences our journey our spirituality  Um our space in hopes that it can Create like this ripple effect where, you know, our desire is not to  have all money.

 even though that would be really nice.  We're not saying no,  but we, we want to help people to break out of.  This box that we're put in this confinement are that our minds put ourselves in, but also like what our society does, uh, generational trauma does, and  we want to talk. We are talking. You are going to hear us a lot. 

Well, thanks for listening. And I hope that discussing faith and discussing the ways that we have practiced faith in our lives,  maybe makes that word slightly less triggering for you.  Yeah, it just felt so good to get on here and talk again. Um, I am looking forward to more conversations with you, Jayenna, and sharing them out there with everybody. 

Thanks for joining us today. At the Middle Path,  you can find out more about Kat and Jayenna at thewildbliss.com and facebook.com/thewildbliss.